Stop Telling Me It’s Bad For Me…….. I Know!

1 Mar

Alcohol and tobacco are related to more people dying then just about anything else going, but it would be pointless for me to talk about that as you can open just about any newspaper, turn on almost any TV channel, on any day, just about anywhere in the world and be told this. Smoking Kills, hell, it even tells you on the cigarettes themselves. Drink responsibly, or lose friends and maybe get raped or even die, adverts of this nature irritate the fuck out of me. I’m not trying to make any sort of case against this, just a case for those of us that smoke and drink that are made to feel guilty for the completely legal choices we’ve made.

Well if the government actually cared about any of you getting ill from smoking or living amongst smokers, they’d make it illegal, but they haven’t (yet), so quit whining and deal with it, we already have very few places we’re allowed to partake in this very calming past time as it is, without the ‘Everything except lentils and lettuce is bad for you’ group trying to force us outside. Not even outside is enough space for some. Go away and leave me alone, my smoking is my choice. No one forced a cigarette into my mouth, I knew the dangers of it when I took that 1st glorious puff, I still know the dangers and I enjoy it even more now then I did then. I don’t need to be reminded of them every time I light up a smooth smoke. Not much for me beats the instant calm I feel when I inhale them poisonous chemicals or often relieving feeling I get when worried or nervous. I enjoy it, and if I choose to do it, that’s my problem, not yours, don’t stand next to me when I’m outside if you don’t like it, I’m not allowed inside, so fuck off telling me to stand somewhere else, you stand somewhere else. I don’t feel guilt when you all show me these adverts or tell me someone has cancer or you have chest problems, I have sympathy for some of you and maybe empathy one day, but none of these issues are my fault, so who do you think you are to try and make someone feel guilty about it? You are the evil ones, trying to make people feel bad for doing something that, if they wish to, is their right. This is usually a religious habit, so leave it with them. I certainly wouldn’t expect anyone to feel guilty if I ever get an illness helped along by my habits.

If the numbers you see for deaths caused don’t stop you from starting, that’s up to you. I am in no way making out it’s healthy or doesn’t destroy some peoples lives, in fact its worse for us than a lot of the drugs that are illegal, marijuana for example, we can smoke that too, but it doesn’t contribute to us getting cancer, cause heart disease, make your lungs black or anything bad a cigarette will do to you, the only thing in most joints killing you, is the tobacco. Bong! So really, don’t give me lectures about my health, it’s my health. I am more than capable of reading, I went to school, I’ve been told from a very early age how bad it is for me. My personal favourite smoke of the average day is the one I’ll have with a coffee, between breakfast and lunch, more often than not it’s my 1st of the day. Have you ever smelt someone’s breath that drinks coffee a lot? I can assure you, that smell is worse than cigarette breath. Most teachers have breath like arse, due to coffee not smoking. And if you are moaning about the cost to the NHS, again, that’s not my fault either, make it illegal and take them out of the shops, don’t moan at me. Those of you that moan at me but still drink in excess, you people are the biggest hypocrites of all, usually former smokers yourselves, you think as you don’t smoke, but used to, you are somehow above me in the social spectrum. You are not, you are a twat.


420393_121910267936810_1271230038_nwho doesn’t enjoy a drink? There are some apparently, I’m not one of them. I might not like some people when they’re drunk, I don’t really like my memory of me much when drunk. But I like doing it, I like getting smashed, making plans that’ll never happen, i like getting drunk and having the night take a turn for better or worse depending on a whole variety of things. Mood, place, company, mood of company, the company in certain places changed ever more with different moods. By all means tell someone you think they’re a bit of a nob when they’re drunk, but who are you to tell them they cant get drunk? Again this is a choice we make for ourselves, but drinking has different affects on people so I guess this is the reason people have different opinions on it. The thing people say I hate more then anything though has to be this, “You can have a drink by all means, but you don’t have to get drunk.” Well no shit, but i like getting drunk and what would be the point in putting alcohol in my body if it’s going to have no affect. That’s why we drink it. If you don’t believe me, find me a person that’s never tasted lager, get them to try it, then ask them what they thought of the taste. Some people drink too much, so what, do what you want people. If it’s legal, why not indulge, how can you make laws against something that isn’t against the law? This drives me nuts this one, drunk and disorderly. No, disorderly, not drunk, it wasn’t against the law for this person to consume alcohol. No one gets arrested outside McPizza King for being obese and disorderly. Different tolerance levels of people obviously cause different stages of drunk, but one can of rubbish American lager might have you off and away, so how is it possible to be an offense to be drunk. If a pub doesn’t want to serve you after they’ve happily taken your money to get in the state you’re in, that is their choice, often a stupid one in my experience bar the odd aggressive, often Irish, client that thinks he should be entitled to whatever he demands. Which reading that back he sort of has a point, note to self, no aggression when trying to convince bar staff to serve you.

You don’t see adults hanging around street corners getting drunk and causing trouble, with the exception of the Williams Clan and co, but most are not. So this isn’t really an issue, people fighting, well personally i think anyone that tells you violence doesn’t solve anything has clearly never had a fight. That’s not to justify some of the things that happen, but you’re hardly going to talk out your friend sleeping with your current girlfriend, who cares if it’s an ex? They’re an Ex for a reason, deal with it. Anyway back to the topic in hand, it’s bad for you yes, often bad for anyone not joining in too, but if you don’t like drunk people don’t go to the pub, if you don’t like smokers but like drinking, stay inside the pub, it’s that easy.

I don’t feel the need to tell anyone to stop doing anything that’s up to them, I can call anyone an idiot if I wish to and often do, but have no authority over peoples rights as human beings. Just like none of you have any over me. If you don’t want people to smoke or drink I’m afraid there is two words here that answer your calls perfectly; tuff shit. Trying to make people feel guilty or scared to do something is what keeps people down, and this is exactly what these adverts and articles are trying to do. You are not going to get raped because you’re drunk, you might lose friends when you’re drunk, but if they are your friends you wouldn’t lose them over being drunk. Your confidence will possibly be higher whilst drunk, so you could well do more dangerous things, but you could also find out you have a voice like Otis Redding, so swings and roundabouts really. In my opinion people should be free to pretty much do whatever they like as long as they aren’t murdering and raping, and actively trying to hurt people, although I do think idiots should have to wear gags in public, by idiots I mean people that insist on filling my newsfeed on Facebook with that poxy word game, the one with the four pictures as a clue to the word. If you can’t play it, delete it. Or people that think reading Katie Price’s autobiography means they read, X Factor fans and fully grown people that talk about soap operas, NO, just NO. You shouldn’t be allowed a platform to say your piece unless its in the shed at the bottom of a garden in the Scottish Highlands, but feel free to smoke and drink if you wish.

Thank you once again people for reading, join me again soon for something else and until then, be good to each other.

Peace and Love People.

James, x


Why Is There Acceptance Of Casual Racism?

14 Feb

Why is it, when a person over a certain age quite blatantly uses a racial slur, it’s said that it’s their generation, so therefore acceptable? Or why, when certain words used for food from different parts of the world are still regularly said, no one bats an eyelid? Surely I’m not alone in thinking this behaviour is somewhat out dated and should not be tolerated!

When I hear a phrase like, ‘Oh it’s their age, a different generation!’ My initial thought is usually, when did age become protection from consequence when doing something morally wrong? Unless your two years old, you should have been taught what is right and what is wrong, but this particular example is apparently ok because the offender claims a pension? Was it not offensive in 1953 to call a black person a monkey? I’m sure if you were to ask a black person of a ‘different generation’, they’ll tell you it was extremely offensive then and still is today, regardless of how old the person saying it is. I’m sure my slightly disabled Granddad wouldn’t appreciate me calling him peg leg! But for whatever reason, this excuse is still bandied around like some kind of Boris Bike. It’s not as if it can be compared to a bladder problem, which causes them to piss themselves in public, where this ‘age’ excuse is also often used. The problem prevents them from being able to do anything about the embarrassing incontinence that has just occurred. I don’t think a loose tongue can be the medical reason some pensioners say the most outrageous things in public, can it?

It also baffles me when people think their grandparents being racist is sweet, I’m pretty certain racism is never sweet. Most of these people themselves, would never dream of saying some of the things I’ve heard, but still find it fairly amusing, why? Elderly people swearing, losing their teeth whilst talking, struggling to get to the shops in the wind, calling you by their dogs name by mistake, etc., etc., these things are amusing. Calling the Asian boy down the shop Abdul because its the only Asian name they know, is not. I’m not saying jokes on race can’t be funny, jokes of any kind are often derogatory by definition, but there is a line between a joke on race, and a racist joke. Some things are just fundamentally wrong, this is one of them things.

We’re getting to a point in time now where not many of the people that fought in WW2, let alone WW1, are even alive anymore. A Libertines song has the lyric, ‘He’s proud we beat the Nazi’s, but he hates blacks and queers, how queer?’  Which pretty much sums my feelings up. Also, how old exactly do you have to be before your disregard for people of a different ethnicity, is deemed acceptable? The answer to this question should have one answer, but i am about 99% sure the same things will be said about us into our twilight years, for referring to dwarves as little people or calling anyone other than the actual given name for what ever it is you’re referring to. I’m not bashing all old people here, not by any means, just the acceptance a small percentage of society has for this behaviour.

But it’s not just a small amount of old that suffer from this very wrong mind set, I myself, before i grew a pair and decided I’m going to think for myself, used to say some horrible things, and probably damaged a lot of relationships with people. I was young, impressionable, naive and felt if people in my social circles at the time, even family members, were acting this way, then it must be ok. I was wrong and am in no way trying to excuse my very narrow minded past. Coming from a working class family, mostly based in London, the multi cultural capital of the world, it amazes me that people think like this. But even there, particularly in the suburbs it still appears to be common practice. I’ve been to a lot of places in Britain, so can only really talk of my experiences here, but small towns in rural counties seem to breed it. It’s something I’m pretty sure will always be a part of the make up in these places, like gravy to a northerner, but this doesn’t make it ok. I am unable to hide my discomfort any longer when i hear people telling shit jokes, or just saying things for the sake of it, unless people actually stand up to it, it will definitely never be exterminated from our thought process. Everyone is judgemental on some level, for example, I feel organised religion should be outlawed along with faith schools and the teaching, of religious scriptures as true. The difference being of course, I have available years and years of evidence and scientific hypotheses to support this motion, where as using the word ‘chinky’ to refer to Chinese food is just damn right ignorant. People reading this will still say it nonetheless. I will no doubt be accused of being a prude, a lefty, a party pooper, a supporter of political correctness gone mad. I’d rather that, than be called an ignoramus. The quickest way to find one of these people that find it acceptable, other than the obvious, is hearing things like ‘I’m not racist, i have a black friend.’ The sign of a completely clear conscience….

The list of things people say that are deemed acceptable seems endless sometimes, but any amount should be considered too many in my mind. I can’t think of a single decent reason why any of these should be accepted, just because in the 70/80’s there were awful programs depicting it as ok, apparently some of these were sitcoms too. In case you hadn’t realised it’s 2013, granted people are walking around in some suspect looking shirts and trousers, but i can assure you it’s definitely 2013. Joking in your own living room amongst your friends is ultimately up to you, but this is about the public perception, not the fascist opinions you may have in private, which I highly doubt I could ever change with a blog. I’m just telling you that you, are an idiot. So at the end of the day, how ever old you may happen to be, saying these idiotic things that people say, is exactly that. Maybe you could spare a thought for how it makes anyone else around you feel when in public, as you seem quite intent on projecting yourself as an uneducated moron. The other ones that wind me up, are you idiots that bang on about foreigners being here, so what if they are? Would you not want to better yourself if you could, because this is ultimately what they are doing. Benefits are besides the point, because it wasn’t these people that decided the structure of our benefit system. If you’re going to hate, at least hate the actual people responsible.

Can you honestly tell me if you lived in a place where the quality of life was worse than here, and had the opportunity to make it better by moving somewhere else, you wouldn’t do it? I don’t believe you would be able to. Bear in mind also, that they have often left everything and everyone they know. By slating the people that have moved here for that reason, makes you look a fool. The jobs you are so quick to accuse them of taking off of British people, the jobs like toilet cleaning in hospitals, winkle picking, chicken factories, the jobs that you quite clearly wanted for yourself. Are you annoyed by the people that come here to study that end up staying?

At the end of it, I’m not saying that immigration doesn’t cause any problems, but what right does this give anyone to dismiss a whole group of people, to brand people as scum, or the reason their life is somehow made worse. Obviously if people abuse their reasons for being here then them particular individuals will be dealt with, if our immigration or justice system doesn’t satisfy your taste for these people doing wrong, again this isn’t that persons issue. People are too quick to jump on a media bandwagon of discrimination, the extremely small minority of Muslim’s burning a flag, or poppies for example, is a completely over hyped media stunt. What about the British residents shouting scum ect., at any of these events where it seems to happen. If you were to pan the camera out on these things happening, you’d see about 10 people involved, 10 people out of how many? If you think joining the EDL or following any of these equally disgusting idiots is the right thing to do, I think you need to re asses your life and what’s actually important, because it isn’t this. I’m not a sympathiser with people of Islam, or anyone else, including British people with their moronic views. I just know there are more important things going on. You are just proselytising, along with radical religious nut’s and should be aware of how you look and sound and my peripheral musings are here to rant, joke, amuse, moan and inform if needs be.

Again thank you for reading people,

Peace and Love,

Talk again soon, maybe about something a bit lighter next time.

James. x

The Character Traits Of A Social Group! (part 2)

3 Feb
Welcome back readers, I hope you’ve been well. I would imagine you’ve now labelled the people you know with the Character Traits covered last week in part 1, if not, I should have your friends number this week. The same drill as last time, you will find these traits amongst ALL (predominately male) social groups. If you’re only just joining me, I hope you go back and check part 1 out. Then you too, can sit back in judgement of your friends, like Torie voters..

Anyway, not too much chit chat, I’ll get straight into it with:

The Moaner,

Also known as ‘The Whinge’, you’ll find fault in everything, not in that perfectionist OCD way we see with others, but literally moaning for the sake of moaning. You are a downer on anyone that surrounds you, unless you have one of those magic moments and the group all agree that its rubbish. But as these moments are rare at the best of times, you will suck any bit of good people can find in something, straight back out of it. Nothing ever meets your high standards and if it did, I’m sure you’d just simply raise them. Every time you open that hole in your face you manage to epitomise miserable. Schopenhauer had nothing on you.
This can often run parallel with the Depressive trait, but not always. In private you are probably quite contented with life but are unable to converse with someone without moaning about practically anything. It must be a bad parenting thing, it was never suggested that “If you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing!” I agree with speaking your mind, but you have a whole new level, it’s called ‘Everything Is Shit If You Want My Opinion!’
Well I don’t, so unless it’s relevant I’d prefer you kept it to yourself.
I’ve always wondered why you’re put up with amongst your peers, I cannot think of any redeeming qualities of this trait, other then how funny it can be when you inadvertently upset someone that deserves it. I wouldn’t call this a redeeming quality though, as it’s purely for selfish reasons.
The Let Down,
You are the person that people stop inviting to a get together; possibly even forgotten about completely by the group you were once attached. You can stop checking your phone to see when you were last invited out now. Unable to ever make it to a planned event, usually at the last minute, excuses range from falling asleep to coming over ill all of a sudden, but the worst has to be using your children as the excuse. Shhh, it’s too easy I know, I have a son, but this doesn’t make it right, in fact the very opposite of right is what it is. You will say yes to things with no intention of ever actually making an appearance, surely it’s easier to just say no. Too afraid that ‘No’ will somehow offend someone, you say yes constantly until the big day comes, then you’re able to say no due to some cock and bull story you’ve been plotting for however long it takes to come up with. Sometimes you’ll just disappear off the radar completely, usually because you fell asleep and your phone was on silent, or in another room, maybe both. Even though your group slowly starts to not invite you due to the fact they know you’ll be ill, it doesn’t detract you from saying yes whilst meaning no, like when a partner say’s “You can go out, I don’t mind, honestly.” We all know you’re going to be paying the price of going out for at least a week.
Its part of your DNA to be like this, you can’t help it. But this trait is not to be confused with our next.

The Empty Planner,

Not named because you have an empty planner, although I would imagine that if you own one, it is. You are named this because you make plans that will never materialise. I know we all do this when under the influence but you do this all the time, no matter how big or small the plan is, you’re not lying, or even making the plans knowing you won’t follow them through. I’m sure you are full of intent whilst making the plans, just not able to go through with them, either to bad organisation skills or you just simply don’t. They are probably conversation pieces, and can be fully entertaining to the parties involved. I mean what’s more entertaining then discussing the empire you want to build, or the party of the year. It just gets tedious hearing these plans of takeover knowing that it’ll almost definitely never happen, regardless of how entertaining it can be. You are full of ideas, but no spunk. This has no bearing on how you are as a person to be fair, as long as you don’t, during the course of the evening, use the word’s “Right lads, I’ve got an idea…” because I can assure you that the people in the ‘Social Group’ you’re part of will quickly switch off.

The Hermit,
Hasn’t been seen……WP_000245_thumb.jpg
You, for whatever reasons just love staying in, not because you’re under a proverbial thumb either. If you didn’t have bills to pay or shopping to do, you’d probably never come out of the house. For you to be part of the ‘Social Group’, the social activities have to come to you. You masturbate profusely, have an extremely impressive collection of masturbation materials and being caught doing this in someone else’s house is, maybe, what has caused you to become a Hermit.
Thank goodness for the Internet and Takeaways!
The Loner,



The Cheerleader,

No matter what devices you are left to, you seem incapable of making any decisions for yourself. Speaking up about what you’d like to do is not in your nature, you seem content, whether it makes you miserable or not, to just follow the crowd. You could be referred to as a sheep, but I personally see the sheep comparison as more of a crowd of ‘Social Cheerleaders’. You hate Chinese food, racist, but will go to the staff do in Chinatown anyway, and have omelette and chips; do you have any idea how irritating it is, to go for dinner in a Chinese restaurant with someone that has an omelette?

You’ll follow the ‘Cool Cat’ like a lost lamb, or anyone around so as not to have to decide if something is ok or not. Following others is your game, not too unlike Italy during WW2; you will probably pick the winning side, almost definitely a glory supporter if you’re into sports. You often just regurgitate the things you hear others say to try and be a part of the conversation. Without the other Characteristics in your social group I can’t imagine what you’d be doing with yourself from day to day as there would be no ones approval to seek out. Maybe you’d become a junkie?
A big factor in your whole being is being accepted by your group, by any group. One talent you have is to seem happy in almost any social situation you’re a part of. Rarely offending anyone, you are a welcome addition to most ‘Social Groups’. It’s great to have you around when debating someone from outside of your circle as you’ll agree with anything I say, which in turn makes for good personal amusement in getting you, later in the day, to agree with the opposite of what I’d previously said.
That’s how easy you are to be used.
The Cool Cat,
The too cool for school attitude can seem pretentious, which is a regular cause for the ‘Berti’ playing up. Most of the time though its people with similar interests who find you cool, unless they’re the cool ones of there group, then they think you are a dick. But there are those rare moments of the cool kids from each group congregating in one place to try and be cooler than the rest of the people in the place, including each other. And I don’t mean by standing next to a fan, although it can often involve a lot of standing around near each other.
You look down your nose at people, merely for the shoes they happen to be wearing. Speaking down on people is your worst habit. I’m amazed these ‘Cats’ don’t get more good hidings. I suppose it’s the aura around them that attracts people to them like flies.
The good and bad of being the ‘Cool Cat’ is that it seems to rub off on the people in your group with good and bad outcomes. It can come across as an imitation from some and just damn right ridiculous from others. Your favourite toy is my last subject, as the ‘Cheerleader’ will do almost anything you want them to, this is not to be abused by being abusive as you then lose your status and become a bully. And no one likes a bully. You don’t need to pretend to be cooler than the rest as everyone else seems to put you on this pedestal, making you believe it, even know it.
The Social Networker,
This one is not easy to define as practically all of us could be put into this category, so I’ll take this time to simply moan about the things people do via social networking, even some of the things I may have been guilty of myself. Only some though. A list of the things you do that irritate and annoy, even anger.
I couldn’t care less about fictional soap characters, so stop informing me of their demise, break ups, fights, love interests, haircuts or whatever else it is they’re acting out. Did you all notice the words fictional and acting? I’d also add this shows that the word ‘acting’ can be used very loosely. Also, if you already know what’s going to happen to these characters, why do you even bother watching it? No, this cannot be compared to going to see a movie you’ve read the book for. Movies and soap opera’s are not the same thing. I don’t see any episodes of whichever brain numbing soap you happen to be into being guest directed by Quentin Tarantino, or co written by Gary Oldman.
I don’t want to know the winners and losers in any reality TV show, celebrity or not. As far as I’m concerned, and all of society should be concerned, all of these people are losers. I don’t care how likeable any of them are whilst they act, that word act again, like desperate arseholes. Usually desperate for fame, because if they had talent worthy of our attention they would already be exercising this somewhere else, so stop telling me how sad their sob story is, or how so and so should win because she’s not as fat as that other idiot. I don’t care!
Informing the world of your attempts at making a dinner, or how marvellous your dinner is, unless you work with food for a living, enjoy your poxy roast dinner in private please.
If your child is ill, take them to the doctor’s or give them some calpol and shut it. Stop posting your blogs for people to read how you see the world, we shouldn’t give a shit how anyone else see’s the world, unless they are people making some sort of difference to it. Although, a lot of the time, the people that do make a real difference through scientific breakthroughs or what have you, have some extraordinary beliefs.
We all have enough worries of our own, we don’t need to know what yours are, if you’ve had a shit day, so what?
Do however share news that affects people.
Share your upcoming events by all means; anything that can benefit you or others in anyway is not a bad thing to announce. Share anything creative, enlightenment is only ever good, unless it’s of a fictitious nature claiming to be fact such as Religion. But we’ll have more on that subject another day. I know social networking has given everyone a voice, Earths living room if you will, but some things need to stay out of the publics view and in private. Start going back out people and give me more social characteristics to write about.

This concludes part 2.

Part 3 is down to you fine people now. Please add in the comments section, any you feel may have missed out on making the list. If enough get added via any of the networks I’ve posted this on, I’ll put them together and post them as a collective blog.
As I have mentioned this is focused on the predominantly male social group, but we all know that women have a lot of these exact traits too. If any female readers would like to write a female focused piece, maybe highlighting the differences, if there is any, I would love to read it. Again these are traits that, wherever you go, whatever you do, whoever you are acquainted with, you will find amongst the Social Group.
I hope you have enjoyed reading, if so come back and join in with my musings on a whole variety of topics.
A friend of mine has the philosophy.

”Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Not only that, they shouldn’t nail pictures to the wall either.” Steve Moss.

Maybe not as eloquently put has Orwell but definitely with as much conviction.
Thank you again for your attention.

Peace and Love people.

Talk soon,



The Character Traits Of The Social Group! (Part 1)

23 Jan
There is, at the basic level, two kinds of ‘Social Grouping.’ You have the one you can’t choose, school for example. Then by that definition, the one you can, that’s called being an adult.
Throughout life you will come across many different species of Social Groups, but at their core, will all be the same. All will claim to be different, but with the Life Experience I’ve acquired in the 27 years I’ve been a part of community Earth, I can assure you, they are the same. There may be slight variations on the ‘kind’ of a particular species, but this is usually down to the majority sex of the group. A good example of this would be the Odd Pairings you get within these different social groups.
With girls, more often than not, you will have a ‘Fitty’ hanging out with a ‘Fatty’. The 1st conclusion a lot of you will be coming to, is that Fitty is quite clearly using Fatty, to a) make herself feel better about her own insecurities, or b) to block the cock.
Both very fair points made, but have you considered this, that maybe this benefits both parties, I mean, if they go KFC, who’s going to enjoy that experience more I ask??
They’re out, in a club, in a pub, where ever they are, outcome, always the same, Fatty fighting to be heard (she’s quite clearly seen), Fitty, she’s on to a winner, home time. Fitty “I can’t leave Fatty.” Winner, “Not a problem, meet my indiscriminate friend!” Both Fatty and Fitty will be ending their nights on a high.
In this particular blog, I will be focusing mainly on the Male side of this phenomenon called Social Grouping.
A Predominantly Male Group.
A Predominantly Male Group.
As I mentioned before, all of these groups, regardless of there surroundings, class, clothes, music taste, race, sexuality, goals, favourite sports team, haircut, jobs or whether they use Mac or PC, at their core, will be the same. I will dissect the groups into personalities you will always find in them. That’s not to say people in the group couldn’t have more than one of these character traits, of course they could, this is merely sectioned to make for easier digestion. This way you and you’re friends can join in the fun by, upon completion of reading, labelling each other as if you don’t already out of ear shot. So on that note, I’ll start with:

The Gossip.

There will be many of you that probably see this as a female trait, which it most definitely is, but is very much a part of the predominantly male groups. Usually the person you describe as someone you couldn’t tell your secrets to. If you haven’t used this description about someone, in one form or another, then it’s probably been used about you. Not always a bad thing as everyone likes to hear gossip of some kind, whether they admit it or not. But what sets the ‘Gossip’ apart from the others, is that being labelled a gossip means you probably like to stir things up or just tell as many people things you shouldn’t just for the sake of telling them, you’ll tell family members, people from other social groups, people that probably don’t even know the victim of your embellished tales. But you will tell this tedious tale to anyone that’ll stand in front of you long enough for you to spit it out, regardless. Even if you’re caught in the act, it will not deter you from repeating the exaggerations or just outright lies about someone else that roll off of your tongue with ease. No remorse is felt even when caught out. The good thing about you is that everyone in the group, bar the person/s of the story, knows all the juicy gossip without doing anything wrong. The downside to this though, it can be quite hard to act surprised about that pregnancy when told, even though me and the 20 people surrounding me, knew over a month ago, even if it’s not triplets. Cheers John.
Your stories usually start with some bit of truth to them, they just end up being so different to the story that started, most blokes do this about themselves to a point anyway, but you are a different breed, not too unlike my next subject:

The Billy Bullshit,

You, my friend, are capable of spouting something so ridiculous it can be quite compelling upon first hearing it. “See that Felix Baumgartner, they asked me if I fancied doing that space jump first, but I was injured whilst poaching elephants in London Zoo. So had to pull out. I should be recovered in time to be the 1st man to live on the moon for a month though!” or things of this nature.
Although it can be extremely annoying listening to you at times, or just simply not being able to have a conversation without drifting off and wishing you were back with the gossip, you can make some nights quite entertaining, especially as you don’t need any coke to start talking the complete cod shit you love sharing so much. Putting you and the ‘Gossip’ in a room together can be very entertaining in deed.
As much as you try though, this seems to be an affliction you are unable to shake, it’s almost as if you were born this way, your 1st words were probably ‘I once……….’
More often than not, your tall tales are harmless and do no one any damage on the social scale, other than yourself of course. You usually know someone or you yourself have accomplished a massive variety of things, you’re almost definitely in the Guinness book of records, you probably rub shoulders with the rich and/or famous, are best friends with the local nutcase, possibly are the local nutcase, you were the hardest person in your year at school, generally the best, 2nd best if trying to keep it low, at almost anything you tell people you’ve turned your hand to. You have to be a part of any conversation being had, not always at the centre of it, but you must be heard at some point during the course of the conversation, sometimes bragging to individuals after if you couldn’t quite be seen or heard, similar to a ‘Know All’ but with nothing but bullshit in every direction you can spray it. Capable of leaving a bad taste in people’s mouths after first meeting them, you are a vital part of the make up in a social group, even if it is ‘that bloke they constantly take the piss out of.’ Or try and leave in the company of other people they don’t particularly want to spend too much time/be seen with either. A lot like a Jehovah’s Witness or a Chugger, unable to contain yourself in telling people a load of complete and utter bollocks!

The Joker.

There are two main kinds of joker, the lary outgoing ‘Joker’, and the quiet witty ‘Joker’. It’s possible to sometimes come across a ‘Combo Joker’, but these are quite a rare breed.
do i need to explain, really?
do i need to explain, really?
We’ll start with the first mentioned, the ‘Lary Joker’.
As funny as you can be, you can, at times, become too much for some with your obnoxious repertoire, but given the right time and place, can be the highlight of ones evening. Unfortunately for you, your style of making people laugh can make you look a bit of a nob head to people watching from a distance, to people that join halfway through, or to people that feel the time and place is inappropriate. You will be accused of bullying, being inconsiderate of others and in some groups even pretentious. But usually, for the people in your group, blatantly taking the Michael out of that bloke that got his head stuck between the tube doors is the greatest way to spend anytime on public transport. Although your brash belittling of something/someone can offend easily at times, stick to your guns, it can be absolute gold. Be warned, you may have to endure a slap every now and then, unless you’re friends with the local nutcase too…
Then we have the ‘Witty Joker’. You’re usually of some intelligence, meaning you probably read a book every now and then that isn’t Katie Price’s autobiography. Usually only people of a similar intelligence find you funny, otherwise it’s someone that watches TV soaps religiously and has no idea what you’re ever going on about and probably thinks you’re weird. You are not weird, Uri Gellar is weird.
Within the group, you can nearly always be relied on to say the one liner that has them falling about, or at least lay the foundations for a bundle of little jokes coming their way. You probably instigate the ‘in joke’ amongst your group, if not, you will embrace this new gag as if it were your own, giving it a new lease of life. This ‘in joke’ when away from the group can be your downfall too, as when a new person or 2 enter the social situation, if left without your peers to laugh, this ‘in joke’ quickly becomes very irritating for those not a part of the click that started it. Even if explained to the new creature’s around you, it will very likely lose its edge, and no longer be funny, but to you and the people in the founding click, these ‘in jokes’ can go on for month’s, even years in some cases. You will sometimes find a couple of these ‘In Jokers’ per group, usually bouncing off of one another, but if you can help it, try not to be left as a third wheel with these two. You will want to kill yourself or one of them quite early on.
a couple of of tits and jokers. You can decide which is which.......
a couple of of tits and jokers. You can decide which is which…….
A pair of ‘In Jokers’ will relentlessly have laughs at your expense, and you might not understand why? Or what they are laughing at, but it probably involves you.

The Quiet One,

These are hard work and they’re part of all social groups. People that know you well always seem to say you’re not that quiet. You are. Apparently you are the ones to watch out for, or be careful of. I’m yet to figure out why? Although when you are able to get something from a ‘Quiet One’ it can, on occasion, be quite profound. If you stand close enough to hear them.
I’d recommend texting only too, being stuck on the phone with a ‘Quiet One’ is one of the two most awkward things you can suffer. The other is getting caught masturbating in someone else’s house.

The Berti Big Bollocks,

Female groups have an equivalent of this person, Bertha Big Balls. These can occasionally be the most pretentious of the group. You will no matter what try to enforce your leadership on a group, with a combination of different tactics, you can make others feel stupid for having idea’s, but if in the end, this is the idea the group follows, you will make bold claims that you wanted to do this and how you are an expert in this field, otherwise constantly moaning about how poor it is. If you don’t want to do something it must mean its rubbish, you jump into fads as soon as you can, just to dismiss them as soon as they become popular, if they become popular. You want to stand out from the crowd, insisting to yourself, you are a trend setter, you probably hash tag at any given opportunity. You’re likely to be convinced you are the only one among your peers, possibly the world, who likes something, even if it is a global phenomenon. Usually you are quite clearly part of a group, but despise to be labelled as that specific thing, I’ve personally found Mod’s are the Royal Family of this. I suppose the balding middle aged blokes with a big target slapped on their chest down the front of a Paul Weller gig shouting for songs he finished playing 30 years ago amongst a chorus of ‘We are the….’, calling themselves Mod’s makes you die a little inside, knowing that if you had started losing your Weller wig and came from a small town/village, you’d be doing the same.
what being the centre of attention looks like?
what being the centre of attention looks like?
You love attention and being at the centre of it, if you for some reason haven’t landed yourself in that prime position, you’ll do something outrageous to get there. ‘No ones talking to me, I better go head butt the urinal, eating one of them complimentary bad tasting blue sweets in the process and show them how I am the person they need to be giving the attention to!’ Forgetting your at your mates first gig.
But in truth, the reason your getting the cold shoulder is because #YoureAbitOfaDickhead!
By far the most selfish of the Social Group, in respect that everything is on your terms, if not, it’s what you are working toward. This can be of a great benefit to the group too, as you can blag your way into things that without your self righteous sycophantic ways, the group wouldn’t have had the opportunity to experience, but you wouldn’t have any qualms about ditching your mates, to enjoy it solo. To new people entering your realm you are quick to assert yourself and let it be known to them you are the top dog. You’ll miss friends birthday do’s and slate anyone that misses yours. You seem blind to the fact that sometimes it’s nice to be nice. In my experience, you and the ‘Lary Joker’ are the usual causes of any drama that happens.

The Sexual Predator,

Not the dangerous kind, usually referred to as a slut. You are my personal favourite amongst the female groups. Rarely having high standards, they may start high, but it only takes a couple of knock backs, unless you are obsessed with the game (a book for quite sad and lonely individuals, or people that have only just discovered their penis.). You care about your appearance at the start of the night, but by the next morning are usually looking like shit due to having been on the job all night in some remote part of the country you’d never heard of, now realising its two buses, a tube and an over ground train ride home, even though the night before it was cab central for you. Now just smelling of sex, the remnants of Joop and CK for her, you’ll make your way home, maybe to work, usually satisfied with the conquest of the previous 24hrs. You have the adoration of the younger members of your particular social group, the jealousy of the older married ones and the ugly ones because it’s you that’s lucky enough to be sleeping with that fit barmaid, as well as the disgust of people on the edges of your circle that you, either haven’t tried rooting, or shared your mojo with. Every male in the group thinks they are ‘The Sexual Predator’ but we all know there can only be one, two at a push, but this doesn’t stop blokes thinking it.
Be careful dear, Sexual Predators are near!!
Be careful dear, Sexual Predators are near!!
Like the ‘Berti’, you can have a habit of leaving your mates stranded, but for you its to fulfil your sexual desires, a habit that now I think about it, we’d probably all do the back door boogie for. Especially as we don’t get as much tail anywhere near as often as you, you dirty beast.

The Depressive,

You may not necessarily be the kind on medication, but you will always need reassurance. You beat yourself up needlessly, usually extreme in your emotions, a hypochondriac and an attention seeker.
In my opinion, possibly the most irritating characteristic of the social group, you are harder work than the ‘Quiet One’. Getting you to relax and just enjoy a night out is like telling Paul Gadd, the actual age of consent, it does no good. You often have what can only be described as a split personality, probably quite an addictive personality too. You have a horrible trait of taking everything people say to heart, and can be quite volatile to people, but if not on the receiving end of one of these outbursts, it can be highly amusing to watch, I’m not going to lie. It’s sometimes impossible to tell you anything regarding you. Especially if it’s not something good, but everyone needs to be told sometimes. It’s almost as if you’re constantly on a come down.

The Drifter,

The general rule for you guys, you are a Social Group surfer, not ever completely belonging to a one set, you ‘Drift’ from one to another, a social chameleon of the highest order, you know everyone and a little about a lot. Usually able to adapt to whatever surroundings you find yourself in, you have a lot of mates, not a lot of friends. So as you’ll never belong to one social group properly, you’re the most likely to incorporate more than one of the personality traits described here. To anyone that knows you well enough, they’ll no doubt describe you as a bit of a psychopath (I would hope not the murderous kind), a lot more common than you think reader.
You are a master of being part of the fantasy of seeming to have an amazing time wherever you are. Literally capable of moving from town to town without ever struggling to find someone to have a good time with, whatever that good time may be.
Probably the most likely to go travelling on your own. I have friends like this, they’ll literally just fuck off for months on end, and come back with stories worthy of the camp fire, tales of fighting mountain monkeys and being offered women, by the men married to them. Amazing.
There are however, downfalls to this . You’re going to die alone…………this is a joke, you’re now hoping.
This is Social England.
This is Social England.
There are clearly others that can be added, but this is only Part 1.
Part 2 (featuring The Cool Cat, The Moaner, The Hermit and more) will follow in the not so distant future, based on the feedback I may or may not receive. Feel free to leave a comment and share. Maybe add a Character trait you feel should make Part 2?
I hope you have enjoyed reading my thoughts and views on The Social Group, and if not, like I give a shit.
“If Liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” George Orwell.
If I am lucky enough to have your attention, stay tuned for more ramblings, musings, general thoughts and rants of someone that sees the world through hazed and glazed eyes.
Be Here, Or Be Sphere!
Peace and Love, talk soon.

2012: A Very, Very Brief Look At The Year Passed!

18 Jan

2012…….. Another piss poor year for the Coalition Government here in the UK, seemingly going out of there way to piss poor people off, as if the poorest people anywhere in the world aren’t pissed off enough already. But it turns out, everyone is skint, apart from them economies that live in religion free countries. UK+px
Then the very same people, well the Sun readers amongst them, pretend they give a shit about the Jubilee celebrations, with ridiculous comments such as ‘Ain’t it good we got a monarchy….’? Asked in such a manner that once I’ve figured out they’re making a statement and not asking a question, my only response is ‘Why??’ answered with an equally ridiculous ‘Well…. Look at all the Tourism they bring in, loads a money that!!’. I just turn, look at their Sun newspaper, smile, finish my beer and either, ask them one on sport, or promptly leave!
Other than having a day off, I didn’t hear a single decent reason why it was a good thing?

A dead Nonce everyone, except Esther Rantzen (Founder of Child line, ironically) knew was a Nonce, was outed as a Nonce!

As if it was ever questioned!

As if it was ever questioned!

Meanwhile in the States, Barrack ‘Yes We Can, but Haven’t Yet’ Obama got another 4years to continue his Yes We Can Brand. Which joking aside is actually a really good thing, and even being British I can hand on heart honestly say, thank fuck that Mormon bloke didn’t win!! obama_yes_we_can
Hopefully the right man is in the job to do something about some very ridiculous gun laws, following yet another year with tragedies caused by nutters with firearms!

The UK was struck by Wiggo fever, even though no one outside the cycling world had ever heard of him, followed by Olympic Wiggo fever. I’m taking nothing away from the guy; it’s an amazing achievement to become the biggest thing in cycling, especially as the biggest thing in cycling is grassed up by everyone in the sport for being a drugs cheat. I expect Cycling to be all over the back pages this year……….. A big well done to all the athletes that did their respective nations proud.

Last orders in Stratford!!

Last orders in Stratford!!

The Racist Pricks that killed Stephen Lawrence were finally convicted. Todays-Daily-Mail-front-p-009

The last Galapagos Tortoise died. The sole surviving giant Galapagos tortoise known as Lonesome George walks away from a pool on Santa Cruz island
Some mental bloke named after cat food jumped from the edge of space and free fell for over 4 minutes, it was amazing, and made Red Bull over $100,000,000; you read that right, over One Hundred Million Dollars.



Maybe Red Bull could build a few huts, or feed a couple of people, maybe even help out the people affected by natural disasters like Sandy. But I would imagine there’s more chance of Phillip Green paying taxes in the UK. phil-green-no-tax

Greece is a long way from how Aristotle saw the place, along with Spain joining them in protesting against the Governments that have landed them in this economic crisis. At least they’re rioting for a cause and not for leisure wear. Look at Egypt, 2 years ago, overthrowing a government. Greece-cracking

Why are people so excited by a Royal baby? I fail to see what’s exciting about it, it’s not even that exciting having your own. Don’t misunderstand me. I love my son more than anything, but it wasn’t exciting waiting for him to arrive, once he did, that was emotional, but I don’t remember excitement being one of the main emotions. It’s Them Sun Readers at it again, more than likely joined by Daily Mail readers. Surely it’s about time we reconsidered why the Royals are even there? They disgust me!

The Football season came to an amazing end, depending on which side of Manchester you would rather see win the League, it happened to be the blue side that won the league with what was almost the final kick of a ball for the season. My team Tottenham Hotspur made me think it was possible to challenge for the title until January when they decided they didn’t fancy winning for nearly 15 games on the trot. But it’s a funny old game, and after losing 2 of our best players, I thought the new year would just bring misery, but it would appear, after the shambled sacking of the one and only Harry Redknapp, that Andre Villa Boas seems to have a bit of a clue when it comes to ‘22 borderline rapists, kicking an inflated pigs bladder into, what is essentially, an outdoor cupboard.’.



Justice for those 96 Liverpool fans that died at Hillsborough finally seems to be happening too.

Boxing saw a couple of big deaths to the sport, which is always sad to see in a sport I absolutely love. Amir Khan saw his hopes of a super fight evaporate after being knocked out by a punch to the forehead in a fight he should never have been in any trouble with if you believe the hype, and if he thinks fighting Molina, who I might add, had to come up a weight and is not known to be a puncher in his natural weight, is going to get Mayweather to fight him, then he really must be dreaming. British heavyweight boxing was brought into disrepute by its 2 biggest stars, both of whom to me from the outside, seem to care more about fame then they do boxing anyway, so hardly a shock there.
The extremely talented Liam Walsh had to pull out of a World title shot due to an accident,

Gutted for Liam!!

Gutted for Liam!!

while the current Champ, Ricky Burns, has landed a tasty bout in Vasquez (I’m aware that’s been arranged this year).
I’ll stop with the boxing now, as I’ll end up just writing an essay on the sport. More Boxing blogs to follow.

Also, I’d hate to guess at how many times I had to Google a name I didn’t know, only to find out nearly everyone I know, watches the shittest of shit TV, I know who won X-Factor and which soap characters died. All thanks to my idiot associates broadcasting these things as news via there social networking. I also know what the people watching these shows had for dinner most nights and how many times they attempted to make an omelette.
But even though the ‘I just wanna be famous, regardless of any talent I don’t have’ Factor was beamed into a stupid amount of homes, there was some light on the horizon, Bands I saw smashing it in different capacities over the last year: Temples, Howling Ghost, Garda and Life in Film, ok I saw Life in Film before last year, but had to be mentioned again. Please do check these bands out, all can be found on soundcloud with a couple having EP’s available at all good local iTunes stores.

My last gripe about the year is the price of illegal narcotics. I know we’re in a recession, but Man come on. I buy weed to relax, not to want to punch you in the throat when you charge me £10 per g, but usually still underweight! FUCKERS!



We’re nearly a month into the New Year, a month of breaking resolutions and making promises to yourself and others, with the best intentions of keeping them, but as we all know, come what? May? You’ll either be trying to justify why certain things haven’t unfolded the way you would have hoped. To yourself or some other poor schmuck. Or, you’ll be trying to convince yourself or some other poor schmuck that you’re still on track with the self gratifying promises/ resolutions you made.

I hope you enjoyed my 1st little blog here, a lot more to follow, This, in no particular order, was an exceptionally brief rundown of how I, through eyes hazed and glazed, saw the year 2012 and January 2013.

Peace and Love people, Talk soon.