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Am I Trying To Keep Hold Of My Youth?

28 Aug

So at the age of 28, I certainly wouldn’t be considered an old man, I wouldn’t even be considered a middle aged one, so why the question? Something about approaching 30 has recently made me wonder about other people’s perceptions of the things I do. Not in the kind of way that would ever make me want to stop doing these things but just as a point of conversation. For example, I have recently taken up Skateboarding for the second time in my life, but the first time I had this hobby I was considered a child, now I am an adult, I have been told by clearly small minded people that I’m being a child by doing it. Which makes me think, maybe by doing these things I am trying to cling on to being young for as long as I can?

I don’t personally feel as though I’m getting old, but obviously certain things happen, pain lasts a little longer, I can’t throw my fists quite as quick and worst of all, my hangovers seem to take longer to get over. But this is all a natural part of getting older and I feel quite content with how my body reacts to things. I may not be at the peak of my physical condition but I’m certainly not out of my prime years either, I’m a young man. So why would doing something like Skateboarding carry with it, this stigma that I’m being a child? Could a single one of you reading explain how it’s any more childish to do this sport than it is to play football as an adult? Thought not.

I also intended to take up Boxing again this summer, nothing heavy, but some light training leaving it open to the idea of maybe fighting. This idea has been met with a completely different reaction from my peers, I’m not getting called a child that’s for sure. So why is it that if someone is punching me in the face to cause them bruises instead of face planting concrete, it is no longer childish? Strange thought process, wouldn’t you agree old sport?
So my main thoughts behind doing these things is to get fitter than I am, as fit as you can be whilst being intimate with cigarettes and alcohol and having no interest in giving up the love of my life. I don’t feel as if I need to hold on to anything from my youth, I’m probably happier at this moment in time than I was when I was a teenager, and I definitely enjoy things more. I may have more responsibility, more questions, more answers, more bills, more gripes, more knowledge and more more more. But nothing that makes me ever wish for more youth. If anything, I find a lot of people under the age of 20 to be fucking idiots and I still find it shocking I was once one of them.

So up to now, the answer the to this question would be No, but I am asking it for a reason? Could it be my cousins and brother are all becoming adults, but still just under that age it wouldn’t be considered odd for us to hang out? Or maybe the fact students are so damn fine to look at, pervert, but are just young enough for it to be considered weird to be hitting it with a near 30 year old? I couldn’t say for sure whether I am trying to keep hold of my youth or not to be honest. Would getting over excited about anything remotely meaningless be considered childish, you know, like the way a lot of us rant and rave at the TV because of a football match or change we have absolutely no control over. Which is exactly what my 3 year old son does when I’ve told him ‘he is not to do something.’.
Does this make the average football fan, let alone the fanatical football fan, childish?
Yes it probably does, but as it’s a common thing on such a large scale, it rarely comes in for the same kind of criticism as an adult going out on a Skateboard.

I’ve never understood really, why so many of us, myself included, get so worked up about our football team or any other sporting event really but I have to admit that watching these things gives me a feeling as good as any I’ve experienced outside of that moment. I also get this feeling landing a trick for the first time, playing that song live for the first time, kissing that girl, winning that bet, seeing Floyd Mayweather lose (I assume seeing this will be as good anyway.), along with a list too long to consider adding to this 800 word or so piece in which I have said ‘not’ a great deal. This started with a serious question in my mind but has gradually just been talked into a silly question with some silly responses. I’m 28 for fuck sake, so what if I skateboard, so what if I love football, boxing and get like a 14 year old school girl when I hear a new Noel Gallagher record. People, so what if you’re 78 and still love these things, well maybe not these exact things, but even if you did, so the fuck what?
Who cares if people only have irreverent comments and contemptible feelings towards the thing you love. At least we are enjoying being ourselves.

Thanks for reading people and until next time, be good to each other!

Peace and Love.

James. x


Mis-Shapes And Standing On Necks….

9 Jul

So I woke up Friday, usual monotonous morning routine, two coffees, shower, brushing teeth and leaving with plenty of time to get to work. Upon leaving the house, adjusting my headphones as I normally do, I decided I would go with the shuffle option on my iPod, really the greatest invention since music itself. The first song to tease and pleasure my big lug’oles on this fine sunny morning came from an album by the name of ‘A Different Class’ by Pulp, it was track 1. Mis-Shapes. If ever I needed a sign of the day ahead, this was certainly it.

Followed quickly by what seemed a flurry of good tunes, I was quickly brought back down to earth by arriving at work. Not all was lost, my very close friend Glen, of the Wilson Clan, had confirmed he was coming along with me that night to the Purple Turtle, Camden. So through the day I confirmed our names on the list, got back to Enfield with time to spare and we set off via bus to Camden, got to the venue about half nine, and in we went, reasonable prices, good vibes and good people. Good people with the exception of some guys that had blatantly been out all day in the sun and wandered in off the street, handing their entrance fees over and then making nuisances of themselves. Whilst stood with my mate Dan, I was fully expecting him to politely ask if ‘any of them would like him to stand on their necks?’ It wasn’t needed as the bouncers saw the problem and ejected it. So if next time you’re in Camden and happen to see some lads walking around with crepe sole imprints on their neck, you know what happened.

Time for the first act of the night, I was surprised to see my mate Nick Mercer, formerly of Sergeant, hitting the stage with his acoustic guitar and playing some of his earlier hits and more. A very promising start to the proceedings, I’m no gig reviewer but, I would say that his set got me in the mood for the rest of the evening.
A short break followed, enough time for a cigarette outside and to talk about boots, necks and things of that nature. Up next was the Stone Thieves, a good name in my opinion, which instantly grabs my attention. Now I must confess I have actually seen these before this night, but was so drunk the last time my conscious being had no recollection, photographic evidence was needed for it to be proved to me. The sound was spot on, I know they had a couple of issues with the monitors, but out front sounded good. They have the look and that very brash, ‘let’s fuckin av’it’ sound. An enjoyable set with minimal casualties, I will definitely be out to see these boys again.
Now the final band of the night, I had not heard of until the day before, when Phil, Co-Founder of Mis-Shapes, had mentioned them in a message to me, told me they were superb. You obviously expect to hear that, but what I saw did not let his words down. K E Y S were superb, fucking superb. Unlike anyone i have seen in a while, psyche, blues, rock ‘n’ roll, every tune was a banger. Thoroughly enjoyed them. Looked and sounded awesome.

A very brief rundown of the night, probably doesn’t do the acts much justice, but this monthly night Mis-Shapes is one of the best nights around London for showcasing the best up and coming talent from all over the country, I say this without any sarcasm or cynicism, only sincerity.  I went to the first one at the Buffalo Bar a few months back and saw The Merrylees, a particular Mis-Shapes highlight for me, I strongly advise you to check them out if you haven’t already. I am yet to see a dud. The Mis-Shapes resident DJ’s, Co-Founders of the night, Joe and Phil have clearly got a very good knowledge of music, and the sets between bands and for the rest of the evening after the bands finish are a lesson into music themselves, and I defy anyone not into this scene to not enjoy the music on show, whether it be the bands or DJ’s, even their guest DJ’s smash it whether in the form of Svengali’s Johnny Owen or Shameless’ Micky, plus more. A perfect mixture of what is relevant and what made it come to be relevant, timeless tunes and classics that just never go out of fashion, predictable hits with obscurities that make you fall in love with this music, these bands, these nights over and over again.

With a recent move into the bigger, and in my opinion better, Purple Turtle venue in Camden, to allow for those Mis- Shapers that have had trouble getting into previous nights, even turned away because of the previous venue not having the space for the amount of people coming to throw oblong big fish little fish all over the gaff.
Surely this night is only going to go from strength to strength, I happen to know who some of the upcoming acts are going to be, my only advice is ‘you would be mad to miss it!’

Anyway people, it was nice talking to you again, August the 2nd is the next do with the fabulous Edgar Jones playing, this is a do not to be missed people.
I have added links to some of the groups mentioned and the nights Facebook page which has all the relevant info for you fine people to join us in this shapely revolution.

Until next time, be good to each other people.

Peace and Love,



Kids, You Gotta Love ‘Em, The Little Fuckers!

15 Apr

So, does anyone else think Children, especially those belonging to someone other than yourself, as innocent as they are, could possibly be the most irritating beings amongst this species?
I say innocent because I don’t think I have ever met a child that was Racist, Sexist, Hateful, a Rapist, a Murderer, supporting of any political movement or extreme in any belief other than wanting to rot their own teeth with cake and sweets.
Without these how can they be so irritating you may well ask?
This will be for people that find kids from birth to 5 annoying.

Birth would seem the sensible option to start with. Before they are even born they turn their vessel into a psychotic mess but for most people with a human heart, it’s the birth of their child, next to marriage oddly, that they describe as the most amazing moment of their insignificant existence. I was witness to the birth of my own child, it was pretty special, but it didn’t take long for that bundle of joy to become a permanent fixture of irritation in my own insignificant existence. Do not misunderstand my irritable persona to be one that is portraying hate toward our members of infancy, but as a mere vehicle for the pointing out of absurdities they are associated with. I love my son unconditionally and it’s probably a weak emotion to hold with such high esteem, as it’s this unconditional bit that makes most aspects of your life have grey areas, you’d be willing to go against your own morals, views, beliefs and opinions for the benefit of someone that, once interaction with others outside of the home starts, wants to spend as much time away from you as they can. If you don’t believe me, when was the last time you heard of a teenager talking about spending a nice ‘sober’ weekend with their parents……… Exactly!
Unless you’re members of one of these crazy cults where you basically brainwash your child by cherry picking stories for them to hear, along with terrifying them into ignorance and a narrow minded outlook on almost everything they will ever encounter, you know like Christianity or another one of them mental communities that teach you to believe in things without any evidence supporting the crazy claims they make.

Anyway, the birth of a child, a glorious thing. Then you go home, then the baby will cry, defecate and eat for a few weeks until the smiling and gurgling start. Now if a baby, your own or otherwise, crying constantly for either food or attention and often unknown reasons because of the whole speech thing being a problem, if this doesn’t irritate you in the slightest, you are very strange. This is pretty much all the baby does, so the main irritation the baby causes here, other than shitting nappies and crying, is the Jedi mind trick they pull, making adults around them turn into bigger babies.

I know you have all witnessed this, the adult that talks like a baby to the baby. The only thing more annoying than this, is people that talk to little dogs, or any pet for that matter, in exactly the same manner. What is it that this new born baby does to make you behave like this? Most, in fact all baby babies are ugly, so cuteness is not an answer, it’s only once they start looking like little people that this prune face, boring as sin, nappy filling crying machine can become the main source of annoyance in their company. Until then, you are the tool used to get on our nerves, by putting your fat face in the babies face and talking with that patronising high pitched tone of voice that is only ever used for ridiculing someone you are calling a baby, or an actual baby. Either way it’s annoying, stop it.
If, when a baby myself, I was able to understand any of what was happening I’m sure inside, I was telling you to get that big head and stupid grin out of my personal space and share your halitosis with someone else!

As if babies aren’t needy enough without your need to act like someone with serious mental health issues.

So now the baby is becoming mobile, bringing with them a whole new level of happiness and irritations. To me, it’s amazing that as useless as we seem to be at anything, we have been able to keep this small person alive long enough for them to start moving and making their own decisions. But now you have the intense job of making sure your baby isn’t off topping itself somewhere in your surroundings, because they are too stupid to know that fire, amongst other things, will hurt them. Meaning that relaxing with a mobile infant on the loose is near impossible, even with the child proofing that has managed to make your own life at home harder, the baby manages to get things they aren’t allowed.

Now I don’t know about you, but anyone using something of mine, in a way that was never intended for the item when invented, gets right on my nerves.
My son, a little after he started to walk, decided that the Sky remote was a much better device if it was hidden. TV is depressing at the best of times, but I can assure you that it doesn’t get any worse than having to watch E4 for a couple of days. Yes, I could have changed the channel via the box, but i wanted to use the remote, because that is what it’s for.
You can’t even leave a cup of tea on the side with a biscuit whilst you nip to the loo yourself, for fear of the baby scalding themselves, or choking to death on a bit of chocolate covered digestive. You could put the baby in a bouncer I suppose, but this just adds the tedious sound of Old McDonald or some other rotten sound it will make whilst your child jumps up and down on the spot, which in itself becomes mildly irritating. Not only that, the baby in question will no doubt be getting louder with their crying and whinging by now, and the toys are, well lets just say they aren’t as much fun as the toys you get as an adult when scouring the seedy shops of Soho.

Words will soon start to follow, which is great when they are saying what you want them to, not so much when its just a constant crying of ‘mumumumumum’ and she, the mum, is out of the house. These words quickly lose any novelty they may have had, if an infants first words can be referred to as such. But with the word comes the naughty word, like fuck. Now as funny as toddlers swearing is (it’s definitely in the top 5 funniest things ever), when it’s your own child doing it, particularly in public, it becomes a problem. Embarrassing for the parent, as people will quickly judge you as bad parents, because your child has said a word that everyone uses, including school children. So this little habit becomes irritating for the reason of maintaining your own reputation as a parent, selfish bastards us parents are. Because really, we should be applauding our offspring for using words, whatever they are, in the correct context, or for the simple fact they are clearly learning, but no. We daren’t even laugh when it happens, unless of course it’s someone else’s kid, then you just laugh and judge.

The talking is now where you try and mould these younger people into you, or your vision of you. Which is equally annoying to hear for anyone other than you. It’s the repetition of the same word that actually drives me most nuts, especially if it’s not correct. Why do people teach their children that cars are called brum brums? They definitely are not called brum brums, trains aren’t choo choo’s and whatever else it is you say instead of the real word, because not only do you want to irritate me with your shocking vocabulary, you want them to sound thick too. If I referred to a car as a brum brum, from my peers I’d quite rightly receive, at the very least, verbal abuse for being thick. So why would you go home and teach a child it’s ok to sound thick?

What is it that gravitates toddlers to atrocious music? Obviously, it is in some cases down to the parents and their 40 of the greatest R’n’B hits ever, that all happen to have come out in the last decade, which alone is not the start in life any child deserves, but unfortunately has to get through. Don’t get me wrong, all kids, if you play enough music to them will like the odd track that makes you proud. But play Gangnam Style and watch the kids flock to floor like seagulls on chips. My son and his cousins have driven me to near suicide on more than one occasion with the incessant playing of crap. Where as you older children that insist on listening to your ‘big choons’ through your phone, with no headphones, on public transport, you make me want to commit murder.

Up to now it would appear that children are less irritating than the idiots that produced them, which in the most part is true. Mainly because the most annoying thing about children, whatever the age, is usually because that’s what children do, annoy.

Next we have the infuriating habits, repeating things you say for the sake of it. If we were allowed to give the child in question a short sharp jab to the stomach when this habit starts I reckon most that follow would slowly disappear, but then they wouldn’t be children and you may as well send them to bible camp. There is one habit worse than this though, when a child will, purely for the sake of irritation, say the opposite to anything you say. This is the reason that whenever you babysit, I find the most useful tip I could give you is, always take a roll of gaffa tape and a shovel, it works a treat.

Obviously, I haven’t covered too much here, mainly because I already know most of my friends watch awful TV and I happen to know you can most nights  watch the devil children on TV and even get advice that doesn’t involve violence. I will say however, if you’re relying solely on the TV to tell you how to be a parent then I’m afraid you probably shouldn’t have children. Taking care of these little bastards is something innate, it comes naturally to us, instinct, after all, we are, simply put, just animals.

Thank you for reading again people, I hope you have enjoyed.

I may revisit this.

Be good to each other people, Peace and Love.

James. x

Social Networking Irritants!!

27 Mar

Social Media has managed, in it’s short existence, to create some of the most irritating habits known to man. In this blog, I’m going to give a few examples of what are possibly the worst of the irritating things people do and bizarrely see no problem with. It’s amazing how quickly you learn that all of your friends are Dick Heads, with nothing but a quick scan down your newsfeed. Especially if you didn’t already know that 99% of the population are idiots, yourselves and I often included. As I say, these a just a few examples of the social networking habits that prove it. Absolutely unquestionably prove it. You will see things that you yourself probably do, which the wishful thinking upside of this is you’ll stop doing it, but like a person of faith, reasoning with you is just pointless and you will, I’m sure, continue to be an Idiot.

The first thing I’m going to mention is people that put a status up and then proceed to ‘like’ their own status. Why do you do this? Is the fact you put it up, whatever drivel it happens to be this hour, not enough to show that you like what you had to say? It really baffles me, I can’t seem to find any suitable reason why you would have to ‘like’ what you said, it’s like patting yourself on the back for being a tit. Or for being able to do something quite basic like brushing your teeth, you wouldn’t finish this task of a morning and then go and breath purposely in other commuters faces announcing to Seven Sisters Station that you managed to accomplish the spectacular feat of brushing your pearly ‘not so’ whites. It would be absurd, but you do ‘like’ what you put up for the world to see, because simply writing it in the first place wasn’t enough. Idiot.

Before I carry on, I will tell you that some of the things I’m going to mention can sometimes come with combinations of epic stupidity, so be warned that some of you will almost definitely be beyond the help of my Peripheral Musings.

I often refer to the sites as Earths living room, but I like the analogy a friend of mine uses, of Facebook being like a digital version of the crappiest bar in town, but the only one that will still serve you no matter what.

Why do people insist on wishing people, that are clearly not on the network, or they don’t know, Happy Birthday? Along the lines of “Happy 2nd Birthday to my beautiful child, i love you lots and lots. xxx!” This sort of behaviour is not a normal thing, its running very closely to mental illness. When exactly do you think saying happy birthday via Baitbook is a sensible grown up thing to do for a 2 year old, yours or even worse, someone else’s, a person that can’t even read, let alone use Social Networking? It’s clearly an idiotic thing to do. But you people insist on doing it for children, grandparents, celebrities you’ve never met, or will ever meet dead or alive. Stop doing it, it’s not the same as a memorial for people to leave their well wishes to the families of deceased loved ones, so do not treat it as such. Idiot.

Next we have the announcing of meal plans, often accompanied by a photo of the meal, which doesn’t very often look particularly appetising, but what’s the point in sharing it in the 1st place? If you are an aspiring chef, which nearly none of you are, especially judging by the food you tell me about, then ok, build yourself some confidence by posting doctored pictures of doctored food for people to drool over and tell you how amazing you are at taking a photo of the smallest roast dinner I’ve ever seen. Or some of you will give a running commentary on the progress your dinner is making, ‘Chicken in the oven, roasting away nicely, now to peel the spuds and let them potato’s potate.’ or something equally as stupid. I for one didn’t think that by putting a chicken in the oven you were going to be deep frying it, nor did I care. The next part of this meal plan procedure you have on the networks is telling me it looks and tastes amazing, well isn’t that great.
Then this is followed usually by a photo of an empty plate. Well congratulations on finishing your dinner, a massive thank you for sharing this wonderful news with the world. You have inspired me to finish more dinners. Without your inspiring efforts I’d probably still be peckish, but thanks to the wonderful talents and creative use of the Social Networks you have shown, I can honestly say, ‘Stick a fork in me, I’m done.’  Sometimes followed by the washing up comments and pictures, Wow, you used some stuff at home, and now you have to clean it, who’d have thought, what a crazy world we live in a? Idiots.

People that send nothing but game invites, or share game achievements such as high scores, how well your pretend crops are doing and various other peculiar things you share from them. The most annoying one for me personally though, which anyone that knows me will already know, is putting screenshots of a word game, which has four pictures as clues to what the one word is. I will say it again and keep saying it, If you can’t play it, delete it. You don’t put pictures of other things you get stuck with up, I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone post a picture of a crossword for example. So why do it with this? Also do you people not have anything better to be doing than playing poxy games on these social networking sites, don’t you know that they’re here for us to bore idiots with our exquisite tastes. Not to be anti social on a social network by playing some shit game and sharing how good you are at being a loser. You don’t do it on anything else, you don’t shout about winning a game of Minesweeper, on Windows (The program), whilst bored at work, actually, does anyone even play Minesweeper anymore, it used to be adolescent boys pissing about in the school library. Also, i have never in the few times I played it at school ever completed a single round, or seen anyone do it. Weird! Anyway, you people are also Idiots!

You next bunch of idiots are the people that think announcing to the world what an arsehole your child’s parent you are no longer with is! What would possess you to do this? It’s no better than going on Jeremy Kyle, and to be fair, I’m surprised some of you haven’t. In fact it’s probably worse than going on National TV to air your dirty laundry, trying to somehow make out, with the help of some judgemental opinionated wanker, that you are a better human being then they are. Some people are bad at some things, but by doing this, I can hand on heart, honestly say you are just a fucking dick head. Posting things like this to cause all your sympathising friends, that only know your version of events, to then follow suit, and list loads of insults and suggestions, like stopping the victim of this childish behaviour from seeing their child. Who, that’s not involved, thinks they can share opinions of this nature and not think it’s wrong? You letting them and getting a kick out of doing it, is simply pathetic. I hope your children grow up and see this is how their parents behaved, they can at least then realise the deep mental issues they have whilst probably trying to get over a teen pregnancy or drug addiction, can be rooted into their Mum or Dad, possibly both, being a drain on society as a whole. Proper Idiots!
The people that in general just have a go at others via their statuses, what is the point, honestly? If you are not willing to say something directly to the idiot in question, then you may as well just keep quiet. You should work on this though, because I can promise you this, telling an idiot they are exactly that is one of the most satisfying past times a person can have. Along with Smoking and Drinking of course. And let’s be honest people, everyone you meet is an Idiot!

I just touched on the sympathy that people try and get on the sites, when did they become the places to look for a shoulder to cry on. Usually though it seems with these idiots that they are using the place as a hypochondriacs playground. If you have a cold, take some Lemsip or some other form of medication, I don’t need my mood being brought down by your whinging about how ill you are probably not, because if you were as ill as it would appear from what you write, you wouldn’t be writing the statuses in the first place. Also, if you work in a job with not a lot of prospects in the place, I know you had a shit day at work, telling me about how shit it is just emphasises exactly how shit the rest of your life must be if you feel the need to then tell everyone you know what a shit day it was. You work as a cashier, I know it was a shit day, I know without being told, I know that every time I do a bit of shopping and you can’t even muster a smile to greet someone that your very existence there is shit and you’d probably rather be dead. Why do you think your jobs are being replaced by self service machines? The last thing you’ll ever get from me for having a shit job and a shit day at it, is sympathy, who cares Idiot?

A similar idiot to the last, is the one that thinks having a go at people, usually a general rant of the indirect nature, for simply having a good time. For example, why on earth would you begrudge other people you know having a good Christmas day. I don’t particularly enjoy seeing their stupid grinning faces either, but wouldn’t dream of telling them they aren’t allowed to have a good time. Idiot.

Why, whatever the video is, does the comment feed have nothing but argument’s about race, religion or both, often with a dose of conspiracy for good measure? Militant Anti-Theist Honky’s calling out Jesus Freak Nig Nogs, Lizard Believing Faggots telling you that you’re crazy for thinking man landed on the moon because they heard some southern state White Trash petrol station owner say so on the internet. The same Hillbilly that’s telling you he would kick your arse if he see’s you, ignoring the fact that one of you, possibly both, is only 12 years old and live on different continents.
It can be a certainty though, as long as you aren’t twelve years old, that these comment feeds will make you realise that your life isn’t so bad after all, so for that, I thank you idiots.

Girls, girls, girls and the odd bloke, pretty boy or gay usually. Why do you feel the need to take photo’s of yourselves, half naked, in the mirror, with a stupid look on your face? It mostly consists of you looking in the other direction to the way your facing, or a diagonal angle upwards, pouting with an unbelievable amount of make up on. Stop it, stop it now! Not only is it bloody annoying, you can never tell where you are because the whole shot is taken up by your fat face, or your friends fat faces!
Here’s a couple of pictures, because it’s never just one, of me demonstrating the pose that I mean;
Does this man look an idiot or what? Exactly!

There are far too many people online that have nothing to say but cannot seem to wait to tell the world about it. The habits people have acquired since social networking became a night out for some people, are just beyond reason. You are on the internet, you have a search engine, Google usually. So why would you Tweet a question about a specific subject unless its directly to a friend to find out the time you’re meeting them? You have Google, in fact, you probably use a search engine for 99% of the answers you don’t know, so what do you think people are going to do to give you the answer? That’s right, they are going to Bing it, I mean Google. Idiot.

The last thing I am going to gripe about has to be people that feel the need to blog about the stuff people do that winds them up. I mean what is it these people think they are going to achieve by putting it down in writing, what is there to achieve by telling you all what you already know? That you are all idiots. But the Idiot telling you all by putting big bodies of text, needlessly using the occasional long word they’ve just learnt, is obviously compensating for the tiny penis in their 501’s. Or jogging bottoms, depending if the clearly unemployed blogger has anything else to bother with throughout the day, unlikely I know. This person probably doesn’t shave often, whether they need to or not. The blogger can often be a pretentious shit, clearly thinks they know better than most, often does. They probably are at different times, every Characteristic of a Social Group. I’m willing to wager that this person probably smokes the odd illegal narcotic to relax, as well as having an intimate relationship with cigarettes and alcohol, self medicating to make their day easier for themselves to be able to cope with the stresses of other peoples stupidity, a temporary solution to a permanent problem. A problem I’m sure that no amount of blogging will ever solve. They’ll continue nonetheless.
Mainly because there are still so many more things that people do that can’t be described any other way than truthfully, Idiotic.

I’ve had it said to me before, why can’t you just shut up and let people have their own habits and belief’s, especially if it’s not hurting you? Well if everyone thought like this, we would surely have nothing at all to say. You reading surely realise that it’s people’s unbelievably silly beliefs and habits that cause more harm than anything else, whether directly or not is besides the point. Do people not realise that its more idiotic to be a spectator of idiocy than it is to talk out against it, whether its in a religious form or a ridiculous Facebook habit, both equally as irritating as each other, but at least one of them doesn’t allow for the breeding of psychopathic nutcases by giving nonsense credibility, it just breeds more and more idiots, nothing else. Well not unless you include pissed off bloggers.
I hope you have enjoyed reading, if you have discovered through reading my Peripheral Musings that you are more of an idiot than initially thought, then it was my pleasure informing you. If not, we have more time and more topics to cover, do not think yourself safe from the truth. Idiot!

Talk again soon you beautiful people.

Peace and Love,

James, x

The Character Traits Of The Social Group! (Part 1)

23 Jan
There is, at the basic level, two kinds of ‘Social Grouping.’ You have the one you can’t choose, school for example. Then by that definition, the one you can, that’s called being an adult.
Throughout life you will come across many different species of Social Groups, but at their core, will all be the same. All will claim to be different, but with the Life Experience I’ve acquired in the 27 years I’ve been a part of community Earth, I can assure you, they are the same. There may be slight variations on the ‘kind’ of a particular species, but this is usually down to the majority sex of the group. A good example of this would be the Odd Pairings you get within these different social groups.
With girls, more often than not, you will have a ‘Fitty’ hanging out with a ‘Fatty’. The 1st conclusion a lot of you will be coming to, is that Fitty is quite clearly using Fatty, to a) make herself feel better about her own insecurities, or b) to block the cock.
Both very fair points made, but have you considered this, that maybe this benefits both parties, I mean, if they go KFC, who’s going to enjoy that experience more I ask??
They’re out, in a club, in a pub, where ever they are, outcome, always the same, Fatty fighting to be heard (she’s quite clearly seen), Fitty, she’s on to a winner, home time. Fitty “I can’t leave Fatty.” Winner, “Not a problem, meet my indiscriminate friend!” Both Fatty and Fitty will be ending their nights on a high.
In this particular blog, I will be focusing mainly on the Male side of this phenomenon called Social Grouping.
A Predominantly Male Group.
A Predominantly Male Group.
As I mentioned before, all of these groups, regardless of there surroundings, class, clothes, music taste, race, sexuality, goals, favourite sports team, haircut, jobs or whether they use Mac or PC, at their core, will be the same. I will dissect the groups into personalities you will always find in them. That’s not to say people in the group couldn’t have more than one of these character traits, of course they could, this is merely sectioned to make for easier digestion. This way you and you’re friends can join in the fun by, upon completion of reading, labelling each other as if you don’t already out of ear shot. So on that note, I’ll start with:

The Gossip.

There will be many of you that probably see this as a female trait, which it most definitely is, but is very much a part of the predominantly male groups. Usually the person you describe as someone you couldn’t tell your secrets to. If you haven’t used this description about someone, in one form or another, then it’s probably been used about you. Not always a bad thing as everyone likes to hear gossip of some kind, whether they admit it or not. But what sets the ‘Gossip’ apart from the others, is that being labelled a gossip means you probably like to stir things up or just tell as many people things you shouldn’t just for the sake of telling them, you’ll tell family members, people from other social groups, people that probably don’t even know the victim of your embellished tales. But you will tell this tedious tale to anyone that’ll stand in front of you long enough for you to spit it out, regardless. Even if you’re caught in the act, it will not deter you from repeating the exaggerations or just outright lies about someone else that roll off of your tongue with ease. No remorse is felt even when caught out. The good thing about you is that everyone in the group, bar the person/s of the story, knows all the juicy gossip without doing anything wrong. The downside to this though, it can be quite hard to act surprised about that pregnancy when told, even though me and the 20 people surrounding me, knew over a month ago, even if it’s not triplets. Cheers John.
Your stories usually start with some bit of truth to them, they just end up being so different to the story that started, most blokes do this about themselves to a point anyway, but you are a different breed, not too unlike my next subject:

The Billy Bullshit,

You, my friend, are capable of spouting something so ridiculous it can be quite compelling upon first hearing it. “See that Felix Baumgartner, they asked me if I fancied doing that space jump first, but I was injured whilst poaching elephants in London Zoo. So had to pull out. I should be recovered in time to be the 1st man to live on the moon for a month though!” or things of this nature.
Although it can be extremely annoying listening to you at times, or just simply not being able to have a conversation without drifting off and wishing you were back with the gossip, you can make some nights quite entertaining, especially as you don’t need any coke to start talking the complete cod shit you love sharing so much. Putting you and the ‘Gossip’ in a room together can be very entertaining in deed.
As much as you try though, this seems to be an affliction you are unable to shake, it’s almost as if you were born this way, your 1st words were probably ‘I once……….’
More often than not, your tall tales are harmless and do no one any damage on the social scale, other than yourself of course. You usually know someone or you yourself have accomplished a massive variety of things, you’re almost definitely in the Guinness book of records, you probably rub shoulders with the rich and/or famous, are best friends with the local nutcase, possibly are the local nutcase, you were the hardest person in your year at school, generally the best, 2nd best if trying to keep it low, at almost anything you tell people you’ve turned your hand to. You have to be a part of any conversation being had, not always at the centre of it, but you must be heard at some point during the course of the conversation, sometimes bragging to individuals after if you couldn’t quite be seen or heard, similar to a ‘Know All’ but with nothing but bullshit in every direction you can spray it. Capable of leaving a bad taste in people’s mouths after first meeting them, you are a vital part of the make up in a social group, even if it is ‘that bloke they constantly take the piss out of.’ Or try and leave in the company of other people they don’t particularly want to spend too much time/be seen with either. A lot like a Jehovah’s Witness or a Chugger, unable to contain yourself in telling people a load of complete and utter bollocks!

The Joker.

There are two main kinds of joker, the lary outgoing ‘Joker’, and the quiet witty ‘Joker’. It’s possible to sometimes come across a ‘Combo Joker’, but these are quite a rare breed.
do i need to explain, really?
do i need to explain, really?
We’ll start with the first mentioned, the ‘Lary Joker’.
As funny as you can be, you can, at times, become too much for some with your obnoxious repertoire, but given the right time and place, can be the highlight of ones evening. Unfortunately for you, your style of making people laugh can make you look a bit of a nob head to people watching from a distance, to people that join halfway through, or to people that feel the time and place is inappropriate. You will be accused of bullying, being inconsiderate of others and in some groups even pretentious. But usually, for the people in your group, blatantly taking the Michael out of that bloke that got his head stuck between the tube doors is the greatest way to spend anytime on public transport. Although your brash belittling of something/someone can offend easily at times, stick to your guns, it can be absolute gold. Be warned, you may have to endure a slap every now and then, unless you’re friends with the local nutcase too…
Then we have the ‘Witty Joker’. You’re usually of some intelligence, meaning you probably read a book every now and then that isn’t Katie Price’s autobiography. Usually only people of a similar intelligence find you funny, otherwise it’s someone that watches TV soaps religiously and has no idea what you’re ever going on about and probably thinks you’re weird. You are not weird, Uri Gellar is weird.
Within the group, you can nearly always be relied on to say the one liner that has them falling about, or at least lay the foundations for a bundle of little jokes coming their way. You probably instigate the ‘in joke’ amongst your group, if not, you will embrace this new gag as if it were your own, giving it a new lease of life. This ‘in joke’ when away from the group can be your downfall too, as when a new person or 2 enter the social situation, if left without your peers to laugh, this ‘in joke’ quickly becomes very irritating for those not a part of the click that started it. Even if explained to the new creature’s around you, it will very likely lose its edge, and no longer be funny, but to you and the people in the founding click, these ‘in jokes’ can go on for month’s, even years in some cases. You will sometimes find a couple of these ‘In Jokers’ per group, usually bouncing off of one another, but if you can help it, try not to be left as a third wheel with these two. You will want to kill yourself or one of them quite early on.
a couple of of tits and jokers. You can decide which is which.......
a couple of of tits and jokers. You can decide which is which…….
A pair of ‘In Jokers’ will relentlessly have laughs at your expense, and you might not understand why? Or what they are laughing at, but it probably involves you.

The Quiet One,

These are hard work and they’re part of all social groups. People that know you well always seem to say you’re not that quiet. You are. Apparently you are the ones to watch out for, or be careful of. I’m yet to figure out why? Although when you are able to get something from a ‘Quiet One’ it can, on occasion, be quite profound. If you stand close enough to hear them.
I’d recommend texting only too, being stuck on the phone with a ‘Quiet One’ is one of the two most awkward things you can suffer. The other is getting caught masturbating in someone else’s house.

The Berti Big Bollocks,

Female groups have an equivalent of this person, Bertha Big Balls. These can occasionally be the most pretentious of the group. You will no matter what try to enforce your leadership on a group, with a combination of different tactics, you can make others feel stupid for having idea’s, but if in the end, this is the idea the group follows, you will make bold claims that you wanted to do this and how you are an expert in this field, otherwise constantly moaning about how poor it is. If you don’t want to do something it must mean its rubbish, you jump into fads as soon as you can, just to dismiss them as soon as they become popular, if they become popular. You want to stand out from the crowd, insisting to yourself, you are a trend setter, you probably hash tag at any given opportunity. You’re likely to be convinced you are the only one among your peers, possibly the world, who likes something, even if it is a global phenomenon. Usually you are quite clearly part of a group, but despise to be labelled as that specific thing, I’ve personally found Mod’s are the Royal Family of this. I suppose the balding middle aged blokes with a big target slapped on their chest down the front of a Paul Weller gig shouting for songs he finished playing 30 years ago amongst a chorus of ‘We are the….’, calling themselves Mod’s makes you die a little inside, knowing that if you had started losing your Weller wig and came from a small town/village, you’d be doing the same.
what being the centre of attention looks like?
what being the centre of attention looks like?
You love attention and being at the centre of it, if you for some reason haven’t landed yourself in that prime position, you’ll do something outrageous to get there. ‘No ones talking to me, I better go head butt the urinal, eating one of them complimentary bad tasting blue sweets in the process and show them how I am the person they need to be giving the attention to!’ Forgetting your at your mates first gig.
But in truth, the reason your getting the cold shoulder is because #YoureAbitOfaDickhead!
By far the most selfish of the Social Group, in respect that everything is on your terms, if not, it’s what you are working toward. This can be of a great benefit to the group too, as you can blag your way into things that without your self righteous sycophantic ways, the group wouldn’t have had the opportunity to experience, but you wouldn’t have any qualms about ditching your mates, to enjoy it solo. To new people entering your realm you are quick to assert yourself and let it be known to them you are the top dog. You’ll miss friends birthday do’s and slate anyone that misses yours. You seem blind to the fact that sometimes it’s nice to be nice. In my experience, you and the ‘Lary Joker’ are the usual causes of any drama that happens.

The Sexual Predator,

Not the dangerous kind, usually referred to as a slut. You are my personal favourite amongst the female groups. Rarely having high standards, they may start high, but it only takes a couple of knock backs, unless you are obsessed with the game (a book for quite sad and lonely individuals, or people that have only just discovered their penis.). You care about your appearance at the start of the night, but by the next morning are usually looking like shit due to having been on the job all night in some remote part of the country you’d never heard of, now realising its two buses, a tube and an over ground train ride home, even though the night before it was cab central for you. Now just smelling of sex, the remnants of Joop and CK for her, you’ll make your way home, maybe to work, usually satisfied with the conquest of the previous 24hrs. You have the adoration of the younger members of your particular social group, the jealousy of the older married ones and the ugly ones because it’s you that’s lucky enough to be sleeping with that fit barmaid, as well as the disgust of people on the edges of your circle that you, either haven’t tried rooting, or shared your mojo with. Every male in the group thinks they are ‘The Sexual Predator’ but we all know there can only be one, two at a push, but this doesn’t stop blokes thinking it.
Be careful dear, Sexual Predators are near!!
Be careful dear, Sexual Predators are near!!
Like the ‘Berti’, you can have a habit of leaving your mates stranded, but for you its to fulfil your sexual desires, a habit that now I think about it, we’d probably all do the back door boogie for. Especially as we don’t get as much tail anywhere near as often as you, you dirty beast.

The Depressive,

You may not necessarily be the kind on medication, but you will always need reassurance. You beat yourself up needlessly, usually extreme in your emotions, a hypochondriac and an attention seeker.
In my opinion, possibly the most irritating characteristic of the social group, you are harder work than the ‘Quiet One’. Getting you to relax and just enjoy a night out is like telling Paul Gadd, the actual age of consent, it does no good. You often have what can only be described as a split personality, probably quite an addictive personality too. You have a horrible trait of taking everything people say to heart, and can be quite volatile to people, but if not on the receiving end of one of these outbursts, it can be highly amusing to watch, I’m not going to lie. It’s sometimes impossible to tell you anything regarding you. Especially if it’s not something good, but everyone needs to be told sometimes. It’s almost as if you’re constantly on a come down.

The Drifter,

The general rule for you guys, you are a Social Group surfer, not ever completely belonging to a one set, you ‘Drift’ from one to another, a social chameleon of the highest order, you know everyone and a little about a lot. Usually able to adapt to whatever surroundings you find yourself in, you have a lot of mates, not a lot of friends. So as you’ll never belong to one social group properly, you’re the most likely to incorporate more than one of the personality traits described here. To anyone that knows you well enough, they’ll no doubt describe you as a bit of a psychopath (I would hope not the murderous kind), a lot more common than you think reader.
You are a master of being part of the fantasy of seeming to have an amazing time wherever you are. Literally capable of moving from town to town without ever struggling to find someone to have a good time with, whatever that good time may be.
Probably the most likely to go travelling on your own. I have friends like this, they’ll literally just fuck off for months on end, and come back with stories worthy of the camp fire, tales of fighting mountain monkeys and being offered women, by the men married to them. Amazing.
There are however, downfalls to this . You’re going to die alone…………this is a joke, you’re now hoping.
This is Social England.
This is Social England.
There are clearly others that can be added, but this is only Part 1.
Part 2 (featuring The Cool Cat, The Moaner, The Hermit and more) will follow in the not so distant future, based on the feedback I may or may not receive. Feel free to leave a comment and share. Maybe add a Character trait you feel should make Part 2?
I hope you have enjoyed reading my thoughts and views on The Social Group, and if not, like I give a shit.
“If Liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” George Orwell.
If I am lucky enough to have your attention, stay tuned for more ramblings, musings, general thoughts and rants of someone that sees the world through hazed and glazed eyes.
Be Here, Or Be Sphere!
Peace and Love, talk soon.

2012: A Very, Very Brief Look At The Year Passed!

18 Jan

2012…….. Another piss poor year for the Coalition Government here in the UK, seemingly going out of there way to piss poor people off, as if the poorest people anywhere in the world aren’t pissed off enough already. But it turns out, everyone is skint, apart from them economies that live in religion free countries. UK+px
Then the very same people, well the Sun readers amongst them, pretend they give a shit about the Jubilee celebrations, with ridiculous comments such as ‘Ain’t it good we got a monarchy….’? Asked in such a manner that once I’ve figured out they’re making a statement and not asking a question, my only response is ‘Why??’ answered with an equally ridiculous ‘Well…. Look at all the Tourism they bring in, loads a money that!!’. I just turn, look at their Sun newspaper, smile, finish my beer and either, ask them one on sport, or promptly leave!
Other than having a day off, I didn’t hear a single decent reason why it was a good thing?

A dead Nonce everyone, except Esther Rantzen (Founder of Child line, ironically) knew was a Nonce, was outed as a Nonce!

As if it was ever questioned!

As if it was ever questioned!

Meanwhile in the States, Barrack ‘Yes We Can, but Haven’t Yet’ Obama got another 4years to continue his Yes We Can Brand. Which joking aside is actually a really good thing, and even being British I can hand on heart honestly say, thank fuck that Mormon bloke didn’t win!! obama_yes_we_can
Hopefully the right man is in the job to do something about some very ridiculous gun laws, following yet another year with tragedies caused by nutters with firearms!

The UK was struck by Wiggo fever, even though no one outside the cycling world had ever heard of him, followed by Olympic Wiggo fever. I’m taking nothing away from the guy; it’s an amazing achievement to become the biggest thing in cycling, especially as the biggest thing in cycling is grassed up by everyone in the sport for being a drugs cheat. I expect Cycling to be all over the back pages this year……….. A big well done to all the athletes that did their respective nations proud.

Last orders in Stratford!!

Last orders in Stratford!!

The Racist Pricks that killed Stephen Lawrence were finally convicted. Todays-Daily-Mail-front-p-009

The last Galapagos Tortoise died. The sole surviving giant Galapagos tortoise known as Lonesome George walks away from a pool on Santa Cruz island
Some mental bloke named after cat food jumped from the edge of space and free fell for over 4 minutes, it was amazing, and made Red Bull over $100,000,000; you read that right, over One Hundred Million Dollars.



Maybe Red Bull could build a few huts, or feed a couple of people, maybe even help out the people affected by natural disasters like Sandy. But I would imagine there’s more chance of Phillip Green paying taxes in the UK. phil-green-no-tax

Greece is a long way from how Aristotle saw the place, along with Spain joining them in protesting against the Governments that have landed them in this economic crisis. At least they’re rioting for a cause and not for leisure wear. Look at Egypt, 2 years ago, overthrowing a government. Greece-cracking

Why are people so excited by a Royal baby? I fail to see what’s exciting about it, it’s not even that exciting having your own. Don’t misunderstand me. I love my son more than anything, but it wasn’t exciting waiting for him to arrive, once he did, that was emotional, but I don’t remember excitement being one of the main emotions. It’s Them Sun Readers at it again, more than likely joined by Daily Mail readers. Surely it’s about time we reconsidered why the Royals are even there? They disgust me!

The Football season came to an amazing end, depending on which side of Manchester you would rather see win the League, it happened to be the blue side that won the league with what was almost the final kick of a ball for the season. My team Tottenham Hotspur made me think it was possible to challenge for the title until January when they decided they didn’t fancy winning for nearly 15 games on the trot. But it’s a funny old game, and after losing 2 of our best players, I thought the new year would just bring misery, but it would appear, after the shambled sacking of the one and only Harry Redknapp, that Andre Villa Boas seems to have a bit of a clue when it comes to ‘22 borderline rapists, kicking an inflated pigs bladder into, what is essentially, an outdoor cupboard.’.



Justice for those 96 Liverpool fans that died at Hillsborough finally seems to be happening too.

Boxing saw a couple of big deaths to the sport, which is always sad to see in a sport I absolutely love. Amir Khan saw his hopes of a super fight evaporate after being knocked out by a punch to the forehead in a fight he should never have been in any trouble with if you believe the hype, and if he thinks fighting Molina, who I might add, had to come up a weight and is not known to be a puncher in his natural weight, is going to get Mayweather to fight him, then he really must be dreaming. British heavyweight boxing was brought into disrepute by its 2 biggest stars, both of whom to me from the outside, seem to care more about fame then they do boxing anyway, so hardly a shock there.
The extremely talented Liam Walsh had to pull out of a World title shot due to an accident,

Gutted for Liam!!

Gutted for Liam!!

while the current Champ, Ricky Burns, has landed a tasty bout in Vasquez (I’m aware that’s been arranged this year).
I’ll stop with the boxing now, as I’ll end up just writing an essay on the sport. More Boxing blogs to follow.

Also, I’d hate to guess at how many times I had to Google a name I didn’t know, only to find out nearly everyone I know, watches the shittest of shit TV, I know who won X-Factor and which soap characters died. All thanks to my idiot associates broadcasting these things as news via there social networking. I also know what the people watching these shows had for dinner most nights and how many times they attempted to make an omelette.
But even though the ‘I just wanna be famous, regardless of any talent I don’t have’ Factor was beamed into a stupid amount of homes, there was some light on the horizon, Bands I saw smashing it in different capacities over the last year: Temples, Howling Ghost, Garda and Life in Film, ok I saw Life in Film before last year, but had to be mentioned again. Please do check these bands out, all can be found on soundcloud with a couple having EP’s available at all good local iTunes stores.

My last gripe about the year is the price of illegal narcotics. I know we’re in a recession, but Man come on. I buy weed to relax, not to want to punch you in the throat when you charge me £10 per g, but usually still underweight! FUCKERS!



We’re nearly a month into the New Year, a month of breaking resolutions and making promises to yourself and others, with the best intentions of keeping them, but as we all know, come what? May? You’ll either be trying to justify why certain things haven’t unfolded the way you would have hoped. To yourself or some other poor schmuck. Or, you’ll be trying to convince yourself or some other poor schmuck that you’re still on track with the self gratifying promises/ resolutions you made.

I hope you enjoyed my 1st little blog here, a lot more to follow, This, in no particular order, was an exceptionally brief rundown of how I, through eyes hazed and glazed, saw the year 2012 and January 2013.

Peace and Love people, Talk soon.