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Dear Alcohol, Why Do I Ever Trust You??

11 Sep

I know that it’s not your fault, but something innate to you. Your ability to completely impair my sometime good judgement, or that false sense of confidence you give me. That ‘what are you doing?’ at 4am on a Wednesday text feeling. For whatever reason, you also seem to have mastered the ability of making me forget perfectly good nights as well as the bad, ruin personal relationships and spend my money.

You have a grip on me I seem unable to shake. I’ve at times, because of you, lost jobs, friends, money, continence, keys, phones, mojo and for long spells, my happiness. I often wish to leave you out of my life, but you make nights and places, for the most part, more bearable, but you have a breaking point that causes these terrible things to happen. I’ve even woken up in hospital with absolutely no idea of how I got there because of you.
With everything I have going on at the moment, you are the last friend I need, but probably the only one I have that really does stick with me, whether I want you to or not. We are intimate often, rarely argue, mainly because come arguing time in our relationship you have left me to wallow in my own self pity. After you seem to have bashed my head in of course.

Why can’t you be more like my other friend Mary Jane, she lets me keep complete control. Ok, she may make me sit staring at a screen for hours on end and really enjoy eating junk or discussing the weirdest things, but at least she leaves me feeling ok about it afterwards. She loves me as much as I love her and never does me a wrong turn unless you’re involved. You are evil, you have been the downfall of many a great man and I am just falling into your statistical fortress of misery. Our relationship is becoming ever more insidious. But like a dog, I will continue to fall at your knees and beg.
I need to replace you with something else, I feel our time together has ran it’s course, for the time being, and we should probably go our separate ways. I know this will hurt and upset me more than you, as your lack of compassion for my mind set at the moment is blatantly obvious for everyone to see.

It wouldn’t be fair of me to let my love for you interfere in anyway with my most important relationship, the one I have with my son. So, with some regret and some relief, I feel now is the time to take that break from each other. I couldn’t possibly say how long for, but maybe one day we could rekindle our love and maybe do it properly instead of recklessly. I am not in a very good place at the moment and need at least a break from you, if not a break up.
So until, or even if, we cross paths again,

I bid you farewell old friend.

Peace and Love,

James, x

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