Kids, You Gotta Love ‘Em, The Little Fuckers!

15 Apr

So, does anyone else think Children, especially those belonging to someone other than yourself, as innocent as they are, could possibly be the most irritating beings amongst this species?
I say innocent because I don’t think I have ever met a child that was Racist, Sexist, Hateful, a Rapist, a Murderer, supporting of any political movement or extreme in any belief other than wanting to rot their own teeth with cake and sweets.
Without these how can they be so irritating you may well ask?
This will be for people that find kids from birth to 5 annoying.

Birth would seem the sensible option to start with. Before they are even born they turn their vessel into a psychotic mess but for most people with a human heart, it’s the birth of their child, next to marriage oddly, that they describe as the most amazing moment of their insignificant existence. I was witness to the birth of my own child, it was pretty special, but it didn’t take long for that bundle of joy to become a permanent fixture of irritation in my own insignificant existence. Do not misunderstand my irritable persona to be one that is portraying hate toward our members of infancy, but as a mere vehicle for the pointing out of absurdities they are associated with. I love my son unconditionally and it’s probably a weak emotion to hold with such high esteem, as it’s this unconditional bit that makes most aspects of your life have grey areas, you’d be willing to go against your own morals, views, beliefs and opinions for the benefit of someone that, once interaction with others outside of the home starts, wants to spend as much time away from you as they can. If you don’t believe me, when was the last time you heard of a teenager talking about spending a nice ‘sober’ weekend with their parents……… Exactly!
Unless you’re members of one of these crazy cults where you basically brainwash your child by cherry picking stories for them to hear, along with terrifying them into ignorance and a narrow minded outlook on almost everything they will ever encounter, you know like Christianity or another one of them mental communities that teach you to believe in things without any evidence supporting the crazy claims they make.

Anyway, the birth of a child, a glorious thing. Then you go home, then the baby will cry, defecate and eat for a few weeks until the smiling and gurgling start. Now if a baby, your own or otherwise, crying constantly for either food or attention and often unknown reasons because of the whole speech thing being a problem, if this doesn’t irritate you in the slightest, you are very strange. This is pretty much all the baby does, so the main irritation the baby causes here, other than shitting nappies and crying, is the Jedi mind trick they pull, making adults around them turn into bigger babies.

I know you have all witnessed this, the adult that talks like a baby to the baby. The only thing more annoying than this, is people that talk to little dogs, or any pet for that matter, in exactly the same manner. What is it that this new born baby does to make you behave like this? Most, in fact all baby babies are ugly, so cuteness is not an answer, it’s only once they start looking like little people that this prune face, boring as sin, nappy filling crying machine can become the main source of annoyance in their company. Until then, you are the tool used to get on our nerves, by putting your fat face in the babies face and talking with that patronising high pitched tone of voice that is only ever used for ridiculing someone you are calling a baby, or an actual baby. Either way it’s annoying, stop it.
If, when a baby myself, I was able to understand any of what was happening I’m sure inside, I was telling you to get that big head and stupid grin out of my personal space and share your halitosis with someone else!

As if babies aren’t needy enough without your need to act like someone with serious mental health issues.

So now the baby is becoming mobile, bringing with them a whole new level of happiness and irritations. To me, it’s amazing that as useless as we seem to be at anything, we have been able to keep this small person alive long enough for them to start moving and making their own decisions. But now you have the intense job of making sure your baby isn’t off topping itself somewhere in your surroundings, because they are too stupid to know that fire, amongst other things, will hurt them. Meaning that relaxing with a mobile infant on the loose is near impossible, even with the child proofing that has managed to make your own life at home harder, the baby manages to get things they aren’t allowed.

Now I don’t know about you, but anyone using something of mine, in a way that was never intended for the item when invented, gets right on my nerves.
My son, a little after he started to walk, decided that the Sky remote was a much better device if it was hidden. TV is depressing at the best of times, but I can assure you that it doesn’t get any worse than having to watch E4 for a couple of days. Yes, I could have changed the channel via the box, but i wanted to use the remote, because that is what it’s for.
You can’t even leave a cup of tea on the side with a biscuit whilst you nip to the loo yourself, for fear of the baby scalding themselves, or choking to death on a bit of chocolate covered digestive. You could put the baby in a bouncer I suppose, but this just adds the tedious sound of Old McDonald or some other rotten sound it will make whilst your child jumps up and down on the spot, which in itself becomes mildly irritating. Not only that, the baby in question will no doubt be getting louder with their crying and whinging by now, and the toys are, well lets just say they aren’t as much fun as the toys you get as an adult when scouring the seedy shops of Soho.

Words will soon start to follow, which is great when they are saying what you want them to, not so much when its just a constant crying of ‘mumumumumum’ and she, the mum, is out of the house. These words quickly lose any novelty they may have had, if an infants first words can be referred to as such. But with the word comes the naughty word, like fuck. Now as funny as toddlers swearing is (it’s definitely in the top 5 funniest things ever), when it’s your own child doing it, particularly in public, it becomes a problem. Embarrassing for the parent, as people will quickly judge you as bad parents, because your child has said a word that everyone uses, including school children. So this little habit becomes irritating for the reason of maintaining your own reputation as a parent, selfish bastards us parents are. Because really, we should be applauding our offspring for using words, whatever they are, in the correct context, or for the simple fact they are clearly learning, but no. We daren’t even laugh when it happens, unless of course it’s someone else’s kid, then you just laugh and judge.

The talking is now where you try and mould these younger people into you, or your vision of you. Which is equally annoying to hear for anyone other than you. It’s the repetition of the same word that actually drives me most nuts, especially if it’s not correct. Why do people teach their children that cars are called brum brums? They definitely are not called brum brums, trains aren’t choo choo’s and whatever else it is you say instead of the real word, because not only do you want to irritate me with your shocking vocabulary, you want them to sound thick too. If I referred to a car as a brum brum, from my peers I’d quite rightly receive, at the very least, verbal abuse for being thick. So why would you go home and teach a child it’s ok to sound thick?

What is it that gravitates toddlers to atrocious music? Obviously, it is in some cases down to the parents and their 40 of the greatest R’n’B hits ever, that all happen to have come out in the last decade, which alone is not the start in life any child deserves, but unfortunately has to get through. Don’t get me wrong, all kids, if you play enough music to them will like the odd track that makes you proud. But play Gangnam Style and watch the kids flock to floor like seagulls on chips. My son and his cousins have driven me to near suicide on more than one occasion with the incessant playing of crap. Where as you older children that insist on listening to your ‘big choons’ through your phone, with no headphones, on public transport, you make me want to commit murder.

Up to now it would appear that children are less irritating than the idiots that produced them, which in the most part is true. Mainly because the most annoying thing about children, whatever the age, is usually because that’s what children do, annoy.

Next we have the infuriating habits, repeating things you say for the sake of it. If we were allowed to give the child in question a short sharp jab to the stomach when this habit starts I reckon most that follow would slowly disappear, but then they wouldn’t be children and you may as well send them to bible camp. There is one habit worse than this though, when a child will, purely for the sake of irritation, say the opposite to anything you say. This is the reason that whenever you babysit, I find the most useful tip I could give you is, always take a roll of gaffa tape and a shovel, it works a treat.

Obviously, I haven’t covered too much here, mainly because I already know most of my friends watch awful TV and I happen to know you can most nights  watch the devil children on TV and even get advice that doesn’t involve violence. I will say however, if you’re relying solely on the TV to tell you how to be a parent then I’m afraid you probably shouldn’t have children. Taking care of these little bastards is something innate, it comes naturally to us, instinct, after all, we are, simply put, just animals.

Thank you for reading again people, I hope you have enjoyed.

I may revisit this.

Be good to each other people, Peace and Love.

James. x


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